Push

When I was a little girl, I thought love was about flowers and candy and gifts. When I was a teenager, I thought the same thing. When I was in my early twenties, I could have sworn love was about endless passion; nights filled with romance and days filled with sweet phone calls and no problems. I had built an illusion in my mind that love is always happy, with no arguements and no tears.

It wasn't until I fell in love with my husband that I figured out that love is about commitment and patience. It is about compromise and tenderness. It is about loving the person even when you don't like them. You want to know how I learned that? I learned it from observing and experiencing the way that Curt loves me. I am not the easiest person to love. I am moody, I am sky high one day and dragging the next. I am quick to anger, and I am the world's biggest procrastinator. I am picky. I am obsessive. I am stubborn to no end. I can be lazy. I am very peculiar and march to the beat of my own drum. Doesn't sound very appealing does it? :) I used to view all of these idiosyncracies as weaknesses. How can any one love me with all of this going against me? Then here comes Curt. He sees past all of this and he loves me 100%. He is patient, he is generous, he knows exactly what to say to me at any given moment. When I am being stubborn and lazy, he knows exactly when to push me and when to back off. He knows when to kiss my tears away, and when to let them flow. He knows not to talk to me when I first wake up. He knows to ask me if I have homework (otherwise I won't do it). He knows when to get on to me for being an ass, and he knows when to let me make an ass out of myself to learn a lesson. He lets me be who I am, he applauds my individuality. He lets me know he is proud to be with me, and he makes me proud to be with him. When I pick a fight with him, he knows when to fight back and when to let me get it out of my system. He is my sounding board, but he won't let me push him around. He tells me I'm beautiful on the outside, but more beatiful on the inside...and by the look in his eyes, I know he means it. He makes me a better person every day. He knows better than any one how to make me laugh, and there is no limit to how far he will go to make me happy. He is my best friend, he is my partner is this crazy life...but most of all he is the man that taught me what love really is. Here is a song by Sarah McLachlin called Push that is worded perfectly.

Every time I look at you, the world just melts away
all my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest yet you take me as I am
and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

chorus
You stay the course
You hold the line
You keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire
You save me
You complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in

I get mad so easy, but you give me space to breathe
no matter what I say or do cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
you won't stoop down to battle me, you never turn to go

chorus

Love is just the antidote
Nothing else can cure me
There are times I can't decide
when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy, otherwise I'd drown
but you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
and sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

chorus

Demons

Man, I have a heavy heart today. I was bothered all night with terrible dreams. My dreams are always so vivid, I mean VIVID. Colors, lights, noises, scents...it's all there. Since I was a teenager, I have had spiritual dreams periodically. Spiritual as in angels/demons fighting in my dreams. It is like I given a glimpse of what goes on daily for the souls of mankind. I have learned to live with them, to interpret them even, but last night's dream really threw me for a loop. My life seems to be in order. I am happily married to a wonderful man, I love my job, I have great friends, the list goes on and on. Yet I had THE dream. I can close my eyes and see it. I am running through a dark hallway. I hear noises all around me, but I can't figure out what they are. I finally see light...I run towards it. When I get to it, I drop to my knees. Angels, glorious angels with massive wings are every where. Yet, they are hurt. They are injured by demons that can't be seen. The demons that are my sins. I feel warmth running down my leg towards my feet. It is blood, yet I do not remember being hurt. I finally figure out that it is not my blood and it is flowing from a source ahead of me. I follow the trail of blood and finally see where it is coming from. In front of me is Christ on the cross, shedding His blood. I wake up. I have had this dream probably 15 times, maybe more. Every time in my life that I can remember having it, I have been in spiritual turmoil. You can imagine my confusion last night. I guess things aren't what they seem, maybe God is trying to tell me to that I need to refocus on my walk with Christ. I have been wondering off the path for some time now. I heard my favorite song this morning called Thirsty by Chris Rice and it inspired me to find the path again.

I’m so thirsty, I can feel it
Burning through the furthest corners of my soul
Deep desire, can’t describe this
Nameless urge that drives me somewhere
Though I don’t know where to go

Seems I’ve heard about a River from someone who’s been
And they tell me once you reach it, oh, you’ll never thirst again
So I have to find the River, somehow my life depends on the River
Holy River, I’m so thirsty

Other waters I’ve been drinkin’
But they always leave me empty like before
Satisfaction, all I’m askin’
Could I really feel this thirsty if there weren’t something more?

And I’ve heard about a River from someone who’s been
And they tell me once you reach it, oh, you’ll never thirst again
So I have to find the River, somehow my life depends on the River
Holy River, I’m so thirsty

I’m on the shore now of the wildest River
And I kneel and beg for mercy from the sky
But no one answers, I’ve gotta take my chances
‘Cause something deep inside me’s cryin’
"This is why you are alive!"
So I plunge into the River with all that I am
Praying this will be the River where I’ll never thirst again
I’m abandoned to the River
And now my life depends on the River
Holy River, I’m so thirsty

Making Memories

WOW! What a great first Thanksgiving together. We had such a good time, I was so sad to see it end. My mom flew in on Tuesday night, and we were able to spend some good quality time together. I am amazed by my mother. She is the most low-maintenance person I know. She NEVER nags or makes comments on my life, she just always supports me and tells me how proud she is. My hubby LOVES her and the feeling is certainly mutual. It was so nice to have her with us. We woke up early Thursday and started cooking. It was not stressful, there was no pressure at all. We prepared enough food for a small army, and ended up having so many leftovers. My brother and sister in law came over and we just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. Connor was with us the whole week too, it was so nice. Thursday night we went to Curt's grandfather's house and hung out with his family. That was very enjoyable as well. Friday we were so lazy all day...we just laid around and then finally got up and started our Christmas decorations. We put up the tree and listened to Christmas music, it was certainly a memory that I will carry with me always. Me, Curt, Connor and my mom had such a good time. We went to eat at Chili's and then we went to the Prairie Lights display at Lynn Creek Park. It was so enjoyable. We got back home and finished the tree and just sat around and talked. Connor loves my mom and she loves him too. It is so special to see the bond they have, considering they have only known eachother for a couple of years. We were so sad to see them go on Saturday, it left a hole in our hearts. It made me realize how precious our time is together. It definitely leaves me longing for more. Can't wait for Christmas, my whole family will be here then!!

Here we go again...

Well, here I go again. Off to another Dr.'s appointment in Ft. Worth. I am so tired of this injury, it has really put a damper on how I do things. Last night I was in a mad dash to clean my house (my mom is flying in tonight) and I decided to take off my splint and see how my fingers feel. I started off slow...was very cautious about how much I was using them. They didn't feel too bad
so I threw caution to the wind and went all out. I picked up a glass with my left hand and this sharp pain shot through my middle finger. It hurt so bad I dropped the glass. UGH. I was positive after 4 WEEKS that it would feel better, but it doesn't. It isn't looking much better either. Still swollen, still bruised. So, I am off to see Dr. Smith. More X-Rays will be taken and I can only hope that no surgery is required. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will have to leave this eye sore of a splint on. I suppose that in the end, I can only blame myself. Playing football with the boys probably didn't speed up the healing process. :) I will be sure to leave that part out today. Wish me luck!!

Kiddos

Here are the kids in my family...aren't they cute? They each hold such a special place in my heart. Jordan, the oldest (back, left) was my first niece. She is my older sister's baby. She was born the day I left for college, August 23, 1995. I have watched her grow into such a beautiful girl, it is amazing to me that she is already 10. She is so much like me, a tom boy, STUBBORN, and loves to sweat! :) She is also so kind hearted and SUCH a good big sister. She's so witty, and has the sweetest laugh. I can't wait to watch her grow into a young lady. Emily is the next in line (back, right)...born August 19, 1997. She is my older brother's daughter...but lives with my sister and her family. She is my little free spirit...definitely marches to the beat of her own drum. She is so much like my sister, isn't a big fan of sweating and would rather play dress up than play football. :) She's such a sweetie and I love watching her grow. Bradley and Braden (I think Braden is on the left and Bradley is on the right...) are my sister's twins. They were born Oct. 22, 1999. WOW!! That is what I have to say about them. They have always been so much fun, I can really relate to them, being a twin myself. They have their own language. The older they get, the more their personalities come out. Bradley is so much like I was. He is non stop...always looking for something to destroy. Braden is so much like Ryan, he's just as active, but has such a sweet side too. They are great little guys and I love watching them grow as well. It is such a blessing to be a part of their lives. I try to see them 4 or 5 times a year. They are all such great kids and I love them so much.
Connor is my step-son. He is the one in the middle (a minituare Curt). He was born March 11, 1996...I met him March 2003 when he had just turned 7. We were both pretty nervous...but we have managed to create such a good relationship. We have a mutual respect for each other that has really allowed us to get along. I love him so much and would do anything in the world for him. The older he gets, the more he looks just like Curt (and acts like him). The three of us have so much fun together!! He is getting to the age where he is testing the waters with us...seeing how much he can get away with. I know he's disappointed to learn that we don't let him get away with much. :) It's tough love, and any parent out there knows exactly what I am talking about.
I love all of these kids, each of them are so special to me...and so unique in their own way. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Home Sweet Home

Sorry for the crooked pic of the front of our house...maybe the photographer didn't drink their V8 that day. This is our new home in Mansfield. We had it built and moved in Aug. 30, 2005. What an exhausting process that was...our nerves were definitely shot by the end of it!! We absolutely love living here though, it is a nice quiet neighborhood and our house backs up to a park owned by the Corp of Engineers so no one can build behind us. This is the first house for both of us and we are so proud! We bought some art before we moved in, I think it was 6 pieces of big framed art. I remember telling my sister in law that we had everything we needed to move in and she just giggled. Now I know why. We are no where NEAR having all that we need, but that has been the fun part. Since most of our money goes to house/bills/groceries, we don't have much to play with each month...so the bargain shopping has been fun. We covered our TV room windows (bottom picture) with bamboo shades that we found at Pier 1 for $115 total. They look really good and we are so pleased. We still have a lot of work to do...but that is the fun part. We are so looking forward to our first Christmas as a married couple in our new home. I will definitely post some pictures then.

Feel the rush!!!!!

Aaaah, what a perfect day to skydive!!!!! Clear skies, cool weather, and no wind. The conditions are perfect!! Me and the hubby took our first dive out of a perfectly good airplane in Sept. 2003...then again in April of 2004...now I am itching to go back. I jumped the first time with Mark (he's in the top picture on the left). He was a real joker, which was not very soothing to me. To understand what an accomplishment this was for me, you have to understand one thing...I am TERRIFIED of heights. I am talking pale skin, sweaty hands, on the verge of tears scared. I had never taken a risk that big!! Curt and I started dating at the beginning of 2003. We were both recently divorced, both pretty scared of the future...but we had one thing in common. We were ready to start living. We both knew our relationship would be tough (we worked together at the time)...we both knew that it would take a leap of faith from both of us to just go for it. Don't look back, don't listen to the nasty rumors that our peers at work had started (which at the time devastated me because I used to be so sensitive...I know it's hard to believe), don't listen to anyone! We were ready to feel alive...that is when we decided to jump. I know, it's not the most logical thing, but it was US, and looking back on it, I realize what a turning point that was in my life. We had the idea to jump in early spring of 2003...but I just wasn't ready. I had only been on a roller coaster once and hated it. I was just too scared at that point. I told Curt that we would have to warm up to it. I was thinking we could go to Six Flags and ride a few rides...let me build up some confidence and then we'd go. Curt, apparently, was on a different page. He calls me one day and tells me he signed us up for a hang gliding class in Austin...and we'd be traveling there that weekend. OH MY GOSH. We packed up that Saturday morning and drove 3 hours to go meet our instructor. There were 9 people in our class, 4 gals and 5 gents. By the first run I was the only girl left. We had to watch a video and unfortunately the instructor did have to include what all could go wrong...that was enough for 4 people to get up and walk out. Oh man, what have I done????? After the ground school, we drive to our flight sight. We learn how to assemble our gliders and 2 hours later we are ready to go. Since this is the first class, we will just fly for a minute or two and learn how to land. To do this, you have to stand on top of a hill, balance a 55 lb glider on your shoulders...run and jump. The first time, I ran...tripped...and rolled end over end. Not a good start. Curt picks me up, dusts me off...tells me to get up and try again. I knew this was the man I was going to marry. After endless times of trying, I finally got some air. What an exhilarating feeling. I flew and landed successfully...I look at the top of the hill and see Curt sprinting down to hug me. What a glorious day. I was ready to jump.

We schedule a day to jump at Sky Dive Dallas. It had been a couple of months since our hang gliding day and my nerves were shot. I twitched the whole way to the site. We get there, sign a waiver stating that, in the event of our death, we would not sue the establishment. What a way to start my day. We had a ground school lesson that lasted about an hour so it was now 10:00 am. We get our jumping order...we the find out we wouldn't be jumping until 1:45. We sat outside and watched the other jumpers. Finally, our number was called and we go to meet our tandem instructors. Mark, my jumper, shook my hand and said, "is this your first jump?" "Yes, it is...", I said nervously. "OH boy!!" he replies. "It's my first jump too!!" I laugh nervously and resist the urge to strip out of my jump suit and run as fast as my feet will carry me away from this crazy little man. We get suited up, get our altimeters (the instrument that measures our altitude) and go over the plan. We will go up 13,000 feet, sit on the edge of the door, lean our head back and count to three. At 8,000 feet, Mark will pull the rip chord and we'll glide the rest of the way down. We board the plane, Curt is grinning from ear to ear...I'm fighting off my nerves. It was GO TIME. Before we get in the plane, Curt hugs me and whispers in my ear..."We're doing this for US, for all of the people that said we'd never make it" I knew then I was doing more than sky diving...I was taking a leap of faith in my life...I just had to close my eyes and jump. We reach 13,000 ft and Mark starts to scoot us towards the door. I just took a deep breath and leaned my head back and counted to three. The rush of wind hits me, and we begin our free fall. 120 miles an hour, skin flapping from every uncovered part of my body (I never knew I had that much extra skin on my face!!) We free fall for 1 minute, it is the most intense thing ever. The rush of wind is so loud, it numbs your senses. Mark taps me on the shoulder, I give him the thumbs up...and the rip chord is pulled. The chute opens and then...TOTAL SILENCE. We are now descending towards the earth and a feeling of awe washes over me. Looking down at the ground, I realize how small our lives really are...that the big things that we stress over really aren't that big. We glide down for 5 minutes and land with no problem. I did it, I JUMPED!!!!!!! I swallowed my fears, trusted myself, and JUMPED. I found Curt (he jumped out before me), ran over and hugged him and knew that my fears had been conquered. Not my fear of heights...but my fear of love...my fear of starting over. I was ready to live. In the sky diving community, they don't say "Good luck" or "break a leg" when you are getting ready to fly. They give you a thumbs up and say "Blue Skies!"

So, to those reading, I pose a question. Do you have fears that are holding you back? Insecurities maybe? Go, take a leap of faith with something or some one. Step out of the realm of comfortableness and test your limits. Most of you will find out that you have more courage than you know. As for me and Curt? Well, we jumped. We broke down the walls of doubt and took a leap of faith. It has not been a perfect ride, but it's been worth it.

--Blue Skies,
Pixie

2 weeks makes a difference!

Since my posting 2 weeks ago that was about losing those extra pounds, I've actually made some progress! I found this great DVD, Tae Bo Ultimate Upper and Lower Body. It is awesome!! I have been doing it 4 times a week, alternating the upper and lower body. It also has a bonus Ultimate Abs and Ultimate Buns section (about 8 minutes each) that I do daily. I can really tell a difference. The jiggling in my arms is starting to lose its momentum and my jeans are actually loose now! I won't lie and say that it has been fun, there are some days that I just want to sit on the couch when I get home and eat ice cream...but so far I am winning that battle. I've lost 7 pounds, most of it in the first week. I am sure my weight will plateau soon, but as long as the inches keep melting away, I am okay with that. I highly recommend this DVD, I found it on Amazon for $8.99.

So behind!

I am a week behind on my blog...but then I realize that my life is not exciting enough to post every day! :) Really, I haven't been posting because it turns out that I did break both of my fingers and typing is certainly more challenging. I think they are getting better, but I've decided that my pain meter must be broken since I walked around for 2 weeks with them broken and they didn't hurt TOO bad. I'm not just talking fractured, my middle finger is missing a piece of bone out of it. Where is it? I have no clue!!!! Looks like I'll have another crooked finger. My ring finger is fractured, but it is looking better by the day. Only 3 more weeks in this splint and I think I might be good! Just in time to play in our Winter league for softball...life is good.