It's going to be a long one!

This could be a long post, and it is mostly just for therapeutic purposes on my part, so if you stop reading now I'll understand. I have been feeling so sad about my dad lately, I can't seem to shake the feeling of complete loss. You see, my dad and I don't have a relationship any more. We don't speak and haven't really spoken (other than meaningless small talk) in several years. I still can't put my finger on when it got so bad. My dad was so wonderful when we were growing up. He always provided for us and supported us. He was at every event that any of us were in...football games, basketball games, cheerleading, band concerts...he went to it all and was so proud of all of us. One of my best memories growing up was when my dad took me to the State Basketball Tournament in Austin. I am a HUGE basketball fan and was recruited out of high school to play in college. My junior year, my dad drove me to Austin and we watched 3 days of non stop basketball. We got to really know eachother, we hung out and had a great time. I appreciated it then, but the older I get, the more I appreciate it. At the end of my senior year my dad had major heart surgery. He had quadruple bypass surgery and ended up staying in the hospital for weeks due to an infection he got. He was in ICU for so long. My mom stayed there with him, it was a long year for all of us. We left for college that summer and I guess that is when things started to decline. The beginning of the end.

Most of what happened it pretty personal and painful. It is hard to watch a family fall apart, or rather implode. Things got really bad between my parents and after 30+ years of marriage, they divorced. Now, divorce is painful no matter how old you are, but it was particularly painful for me and my siblings. We were faced with the situation of remaining loyal to both parents, who now live across the state from each other are not exactly on speaking terms. Maybe it could have been easier, maybe we could have all tried a little bit harder to make things work...but for reasons that are beyond my understanding, my dad is now in self induced isolation. I truly believe that he has a chemical imbalance that causes him to think and act irrationally and that is where a lot of the problems stem from. All I know is that I miss my dad. I miss his support and his love. I am sure that deep down he still loves me, but it is hard to truly believe that when he refuses to talk to me. I am not saying that I have gone above and beyond to try and communicate with him because some days I simply have given up on trying to have a relationship with him. Then there are the days when I just need my father. I need him to console me and tell me that things will be ok. I need him to tell me that he loves me. I need to see him and hug him and feel that feeling that was lost so many years ago. I ache for the fact that he will never get to see my future children play, he will never teach them how to shoot a basketball like he taught me, they will never know what a kind man he used to be. So much good that is in me comes from that man of yesterday. I am constantly faced with the question of what would have been easier...to never have had a great father, like he was...or to have it this way. I guess I will never be able to answer that question.

I pray for him, I think about him all of the time and I truly believe that God can salvage our relationship if our hearts are willing. You see, I love my God, my Heavenly Father, with every part of my being. I love the comfort that He provides, I love the fact that He is always with me and is constantly watching over me. I love that He loves me, no matter how much I mess up. I adore the fact that I am His child and He is my Father. I am eternally grateful for my relationship with Him. This fact still remains...I would give anything to have that kind of relationship with my earthly father. I miss him. It's the strangest feeling, missing someone that is still here. It's the kind of feeling that causes me to toss and turn at night. It's the feeling that makes me weep without any warning. On the other hand, it is a feeling that causes me to be grateful that I still FEEL anything at all. There is hope. There is always hope.